


she was special

by lexalucia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: After Life, Alternate Ending, Anya - Freeform, Azgeda, Brown meets Green, Clexa, Costia Lives (The 100), Depressing, F/F, Fanfiction, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Lostia, Love Triangles, Oneshot, Sad, Trikru, green meets blue, painful, reunited, short fic, the100 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22444357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexalucia/pseuds/lexalucia
Summary: "Lexa?""Costia?""Klark,""Lexa?""There's someone I want you to meet,"***After Lexa dies, she is reunited with Costia although she's still hung up on her lover from her previous life. The reunion is bittersweet between the two women and is filled with flashbacks of the past. Memories buried deep within Lexa's mind, memories that were suppressed with pain and guilt. The reunion stirred those memories along with the presence of someone new in Lexa's love life. What will happen between the two young lovers? What happens when Clarke is taken into account?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	she was special

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS AN AFTERLIFE FIC!
> 
> so i suck at summaries so bare with me. requested fic where lexa is dead and finally gets to see costia. oh and let's not forget clarke. i thought it was gonna be a one shot but has now turned into a two parter so stay tuned :)

_“Clarke…” Lexa choked out as she tried to find the will to keep fighting, just a little longer. Long enough to say goodbye, goodbye to the one person she adored._

_Everything happened so quickly, neither of the two women had the chance to fully process what had occurred. All Lexa knew was that a bullet aimed for Clarke collided with her instead. She couldn’t deny the fact that she was relieved when it penetrated her abdomen instead of the one of the woman she cared for. She also couldn’t deny the fact that she felt sadness, as she knew death was upon her. Her spirit ready to move onto the next life although her heart didn’t want that._

_“I’m here…” Clarke replied quickly, as she willed her voice to not crack. She reached down to hold her hand and caress her head as she looked into those sage green eyes._

_Never did Clarke expect Titus to be in her room with a bloodied John Murphy and yet that’s where she found herself. She found herself being questioned about things she didn’t know, running from bullets aimed at her. Next thing she knew she found herself on her knees beside her lover that was bleeding out. At that moment she wished she had paid attention to her mom when it came to healing and most of all she wished Lexa was bulletproof._

_“Ai gonplei ste odon” Lexa breathed out to the woman she knew she loved with all of her being. The woman in which she didn’t get enough time to proclaim her love to, enough time to say ‘ai hod yu in’. The woman that made her fall in love all over again when she had ‘love is weakness’ embedded in her mind. The woman that made her want to leave all of her duties and just be Lexa._

_There was no denying from either woman that there was a connection. One so strong and unexplainable, one might say they were soulmates. The past few weeks did nothing but solidify that there was something there. Something that both women dreaded and wanted to discover all at once. Something that couldn’t be avoided and that neither wanted to avoid. And yet, there they were, in such a horrific situation. Blood oozed out of Lexa while her lover held onto her, hoping, praying to whoever was above to grant her more time. No connection would have ever been strong enough to stop this from happening. No connection could have ever stopped death._

_“No! No, I won’t accept that,” Clarke said through blurry vision as she shook her head vigorously in denial, not ready to let another person she loved go. She had the smallest sip of what it was like to be loved by Lexa and she wanted more, so much more. Never did it occur to her that her time with Lexa would be limited._

_Lexa looked up at Clarke with a sad smile as she stared into the eyes she’s learned to love. They had a thousand hues of blue swirling within an ocean, full of fear and a mysterious certainty. The shining light and warmth that was once there replaced by sadness, but they were still the same eyes Lexa loved unconditionally. The ocean eyes she could stare at till the end of her existence, and that’s exactly what she was doing. That’s when she made the realization._

_“You were right Clarke,” Lexa said softly, not wanting or having the ability to have spoken louder. She paused, her breath caught in her throat as she realized that she didn’t have much time left as it became harder to breathe. “life is about more than just surviving.” she said murmuring her realization out loud._

_Clarke shook her head as she realized herself how long Lexa had held onto her words. Those simple words she said to Lexa at a different time, in a very different circumstance. Never did she think that those words would come back to hurt her the way it hurt her then. Clarke caressed her head as grief started washing over her, there was no stopping it now. No way for Lexa to outrun death._

_Lexa closed her eyes, tears escaping, as she tried to burn the beautiful image of Klark Kom Skaikru into her memory one last time. She suddenly opened them as she quickly started to lose her ability to breathe, the end creeping closer. She gasped, trying to pull in a breath as Clarke’s face expressed fear. Fear of death, fear of being utterly and ultimately alone once again after just forgiving Lexa._

_She never truly blamed Lexa for what occurred at Mount Weather, much less hated her, but it was easier to hate her than to hate herself. A part of Lexa always knew Clarke’s anger was never towards her, and yet another part of her still doubted. She still allowed Clarke to hate her for her own actions, Lexa even secretly wanted to take the burden of killing so many people and make it her own. The selflessness only made Clarke realize just how much she actually cared for the latter. And there she was once again, hating herself for hating Lexa for so long. She spent so much time trying to blame Lexa that she was now paying the price, not having nearly enough time to say goodbye, much less love her._

_“In peace may you leave the shore,” Clarke started whispering slowly. She looked down at the Commander. Lexa closed her eyes realizing that Clarke finally accepted her death. “In love may you find the next,” she continued between sniffles. She held onto Lexa, trying to will life back into her knowing it was hopeless. “Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground,” Clarke whispered, her voice slightly cracking. Lexa held onto every word that was uttered out of Clarke’s lips._

_She was very attentive as she knew any second could be her last, making it that much more painful for Clarke to hold on. Although she wished she didn’t have to go, Lexa didn’t want to have it any other way. She was staring at the most beautiful woman she’s ever seen, knowing that the last thing she would see would be her, her beauty. She didn’t feel much pain as she stared into the sky blue eyes that had thunderstorms rolling in. As selfish as it made her, Lexa was glad she would be able to see Clarke one last time._

_“May we meet again,” Clarke whimpered, her voice cracking and dissipating at the end. Lexa looked up, barely able to hold on anymore as death was there. Knocking on her door demanding for her spirit to move on._

_Lexa willed herself to stay with Clarke for a few more seconds. She tried staying to remember Clarke’s voice, to remember the beauty mark above her lip, to remember that warm smile that could single-handedly light up the room without any candles, to remember those eyes, to remember the connection that there was, to remember the way her lips felt against hers, to remember how her skin felt on fire when it came in touch with Clarke’s, to remember all of these things into the unknown. The unknown that was seconds away from taking her over._

_Clarke leaned down to press her warm lips against Lexa’s cold ones, noticing in the process how Lexa stopped wincing in pain. Little did she know that Lexa was no longer in pain because she was with her. She was with the woman she knew was the love of her life. Lexa tried leaning upwards to meet her lips but achieved nothing as the bullet hit her spine, leaving her immobile._

_The moment Lexa's lips met with Clarke’s she remembered their first kiss. The timing so wrong but it felt so right. Amid a war, the two found themselves in high tension of a war brewing, yet everything that was the kiss was everything but._

_Lexa could still remember every detail of the kiss. How gentle, affectionate, and soft the kiss was. How she placed one hand on Clarke’s face to pull her in, how Clarke kissed her back. How their foreheads touched as they both pulled back before leaning in for another kiss. How Clarke pushed against her lips demanding much more than just her bottom lip. How she pushed back herself, asserting her dominance. How Clarke placed her hand on her arm as she tilted her head for a better angle. How Clarke leaned slightly back while she still tugged on her top lip and Clarke had to settle for her bottom lip. How she slowly leaned back before brushing her nose against Clarke’s and leaning in to recapture them with hers once more._

_She remembered how Clarke confidently kissed her back. She remembered how soft Clarke’s lips were against hers. She remembered how their lips fit perfectly together. She also remembered how Clarke hesitated and pulled away. She remembered how every single muscle in her body felt on fire but respected Clarke’s decision._

_Lexa felt Clarke breathed against her as she was in a losing battle against death. That brought back memories of just hours ago. How shaky and ragged both of their breaths were._

_Clarke had came into her room to say goodbye as she had to leave for Arkadia. She didn’t say sorry to the Commander as it was Lexa that asked her to stay. So she apologized as Clarke, not Wanheda as Clarke was asked, to Lexa. There she found herself in a particular situation, tension high of unspoken feelings, unspoken words and actions._

_That’s why I- that’s why you’re you._

_The words clearly holding an implied message, one understood as Clarke’s eyes quickly snapped to Lexa’s. The simple words that came out of Lexa’s mouth unnerved Clarke, causing her to break. Causing her to lean in to kiss Lexa. Oh, how the tables had turned. Then it was Lexa who pulled away from the kiss, not from uncertainty, but from how shocked she was. She never thought that the woman she loved with all of her being was capable of loving her back just as much as she loved her herself._

_They both found themselves out of breath as they kissed to tame the insatiable need between them. Their hands explored each other’s bodies as Clarke was quick to make work of her collar. Suddenly, Lexa’s knees hit the edge of the bed causing her to sit down upon it. They looked at each other, one looking up while the other looked down, in admiration and in disbelief. Both thought they didn’t deserve happiness and yet there they were. In their own little bubble, away from another war brewing, away from the harsh reality. The reality that a couple of hours later Lexa would be bleeding out on her bed._

_Lexa didn’t think of that, instead, she thought of how good it felt to have Clarke’s skin on hers. The way she undressed her unhurriedly, taking a slow pace as they both wanted to soak at the moment. The exploration of each other’s body and the soft kisses that were shared in between. The gentleness of each other as they worshipped each other’s bodies. Clarke fell in love with Lexa’s muscular body while Lexa fell in love with Clarke’s curvy and slim body. The way Clarke traced every single tattoo, which caused Lexa to shudder uncontrollably under Clarke’s touch until she had every single one of them memorized. The way their bodies collapsed together in exhaustion and pure bliss. The way Clarke unconsciously pulled Lexa impossibly closer as she slept in her arms. The way it made her grin like an idiot from how happy the simple act made her._

_The passionate, soft lovemaking was still fresh on her mind as she had Clarke’s lips on hers one last time. She suddenly felt warm as Clarke reluctantly started pulling away. The coldness she once felt was being over breached by such warmth. As Clarke’s lips left hers and she leaned up again, she noticed the inevitable._

_Lexa knew that death wasn’t waiting anymore, it was tearing the door down demanding to get in. The edges of her vision started getting darker, her vision blurry. She trained her eyes to look at Clarke’s, she stole one last glimpse of her eyes. She gave her a small smile, not wanting her last memory of her to be her in pain. Because she wasn't, at that moment she allowed herself to be Lexa. She didn't care about the coalition, she didn't care that her people needed her, she finally cared about herself. She was happy, despite the odds, she was entirely content with the life she had._

_She looked ahead knowing that any millisecond her vision would falter and her heart would stop. She wasn’t supposed scared, she was taught to not be scared but she was because that’s the most human thing possible._

_Who would be there to protect Clarke? Who would ensure her safety and happiness? It should be her. It should have been her but it was too late to think any of that. Her vision went black, after staring at those blue eyes for so long, almost as if she had closed her eyes._

_She was laying too still for Clarke’s liking and that’s when it sank in…_

_The Commander is dead._

_Leska Kom Trikru is dead._

_Lexa, the girl she didn’t know she loved, died in her arms._  
  


_***_

  
  


The warmth still embraced her, if anything, it hugged Lexa even tighter. Her vision remained dark as she felt a cool breeze around her. She adapted herself to her surroundings completely oblivious to the events from before. She felt the wind murmuring against her eyes as she smelled the sweetness of cherry blossoms and the caramel soft scent of flowers in the air. It soothed Lexa, a rippling sense of peace and harmony embodied her, making her feel as if she was home.

Lexa snapped her eyes open at that thought, sunlight blinding her as her eyes fought to adjust. She quickly sat up reaching to touch her abdomen. She noticed that bullet indented hole was gone, all that was left was a slight soreness. She shielded her eyes from the blinding sun, hoping to see her home. She quickly got up on her feet as her vision was still unable to focus.

“Lexa?”

Lexa whipped around trying to find the source of the voice. It sounded so familiar to her but she just couldn’t quite place where she had heard the voice before. Her eyes finally graced her with the ability to see without having to squint. She stopped turning once she saw someone standing on the other side of the meadow.

She immediately recognized her, she would recognize her anywhere, how couldn’t she? She could never forget her first love. No one does, no one forgets their first heartbreak, their first loss. She stood there, shocked unable to move.

“Costia?”

She choked the words out as her vision began to become blurry again, not from the sun but from tears accumulating in her eyes. The last time she saw Costia she was much younger and dismembered. It was a sight that haunted Lexa no matter how much she believed in love is weakness.

She quickly squeezed her eyes shut trying to fight what she thought was a hallucination. _This cannot be real_ Lexa thought. She couldn’t believe her first love was standing just on the other side of the meadow. Azgeda tortured her, they cut off her head, she saw it herself.

“Lexie, I’m real. I’m here,” Costia said, keeping her distance from Lexa allowing the girl to come to her. Lexa gradually lessened the tension of her eyes as she slowly began to open them. She saw her standing there waiting patiently, Costia was always the more patient one between the two.

She was unaware that she had started jogging towards the latter until her body was full-on sprinting. She stopped short, keeping a couple of feet in between them. Tears were streaming down her face, she didn’t care to wipe them away as they would be replaced in a matter of seconds.

“You died, I saw- you died- you can’t be real- no. No, no no” Lexa choked out trying to steady her voice but completely failing. She shook her head vigorously in denial.

“Lexa…” Costia whispered so softly Lexa couldn’t hear her no matter their proximity. She wanted to console the other girl, to hold her, tell her it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t blame her but she didn’t move.

“Azgeda they- you- you died… I saw it, you died because of me,” Lexa went on saying, her voice cracking at the end as she took a step back. She was haunted from that day forward, never able to sleep through the night. The nightmares never seemed to go away and especially not the guilt. 

Oh, the guilt.

The guilt made her want to end it all. She was willing to give it all up just to be at peace. She wanted to be at peace to get away from her own thoughts, her own jury. There she was one stormy night, standing in her chambers, with no will to live. She walked over to the balcony in her room, she looked down upon her sleeping people below the angry sky. _They do not need me_ , she thought. The coalition was falling apart, the fifth clan was challenging her authority as she was failing miserably as a Commander. _I could jump_ , she thought as she stood close to the edge. _It would be quick, painless. My people will think it was an accident_ , she pondered. _No one would miss me, no one would care_ she thought as she contemplated her life. Her thoughts were as dark as the clouds above her as she felt some rain hit her face.

She stood there reminiscing of her young memories of Costia as the thoughts hung onto her mind, begging, pleading for her to do it. What she didn’t know was that with every memory she remembered the closer she got to the edge. It also seemed that the closer she neared the ledge, the angrier the sky became. Lightning and thunder booming through Polis, making its presence known. It wasn’t until there was no more floor beneath her toes did she notice how close to death she was. The slight rain turned into a downpour completely soaking Lexa. She closed her eyes, as she held out her arms as if wanting to receive a hug. She allowed the rain to pound against her because she needed to feel something. Anything. Anything other than guilt. Anything that wasn’t pain or grief.

She let out a shaky breath and allowed her head to drop back. _I am going to do it_ she thought. _Tonight is the night I can finally put an end to things_ she thought. But that’s all it was, a thought because the second she moved a millimeter forward someone knocked on her door. She barely heard it over the battering of rain and thundering that lingered in the atmosphere. She stood there hoping they would go away, hoping that she could just do this one thing, one deadly thing at that. Whoever was at the door knocked more forcefully making Lexa have to walk back into the room.

She opened the door to find Titus on the other side. She stood there, wet in the clothes from the previous day staring at her flamekeeper. That’s when her mind realized something. She didn’t deserve a quick painless death. If Costia had to endure much worse so should she. So her jury came to a verdict at that moment, she would not have the luxury of a painless and quick death. She would have to suffer as much as Costia if not even more.

That was the first time.

Afterward, she mostly stayed out of her head with the help of the war going on between the clans. Azgeda had once again started a conflict with Trikru, trying to impose emotion and pain from the Commander. Nia was once again trying to find some weakness in her. To find some human parts to exploit and destroy her with but what she did not know was that Lexa was doing it to herself. Lexa, even in a time of war, couldn’t seem to make the guilt go away.

Once Lexa struck Azgeda down, her thoughts began to cloud her judgment once more. Now that they were in a time of peace she had the ability to do whatever she pleased without having to keep others in mind. She spent most of her days roaming around in Polis with the Nightbloods. She interacted with her people and trained much with her Nightblood, which she considered her children. It wasn’t until Titus took the children to visit another clan to address a nonemergency conflict that Lexa was left with her thoughts.

Oh, the thoughts.

The unrelenting thoughts that were accompanied by what-ifs. What if she had protected Costia? Given her a couple of warriors to guard her? What if she had never became Commander? What if she was never chosen to lead her people? What would a normal life have been like with Costia? What if they had a domesticated life? What if she had never met Costia? What if she never met her childhood friend that eventually turned into her lover? What if she could just get rid of the guilt? The thoughts? Would she be okay?

One particularly boring and dragging day, Lexa drew herself a bath. She placed the warm coals underneath the tub that was filled with water. She quickly undressed herself wanting to be surrounded by the warm water. Just as she was about to get in she was hit with a thought. There she was, once again, rethinking her life choices. Her willingness to live. _I could do it now_ , Lexa thought. _I am no longer important, we are in a time of peace_ she continued to think profusely. _The coalition is no longer fragile, there are no arising problems. I can finally have peace._

She stepped into the tub, the water came up to her tanned midcalves. She slowly found the courage to sit down as she allowed the water to reach her chest. She sat there just thinking, thinking of everything that had happened in her lifetime. She remembered all the happy memories she had, training with Anya, falling in love with Costia, making her own warpaint. She remembered how Anya teased her for not being able to speak to Costia much less tell her she had feelings for the latter. _Stop being a branwoda (idiot) and tell her_ she would say. Sometimes Anya would even give her harsher training days just to spite and motivate the girl into talking with Costia. It wasn’t until Anya ran the poor girl 10 miles nonstop until she agreed to talk to the girl.

Lexa chuckled to herself as she sat in the tub remembering how exhausted she was and how sore she was the next day. She hadn’t realized how much she missed Anya, she was away dealing with business in TonDC and she rarely got to see the woman now. Even if she did, it wasn’t like before. It wasn’t carefree, it wasn’t easygoing, now there were decisions to be made, lives at stake with each one being made. She hadn’t realized that she was crying until she heard her own tears hit the water surrounding her.

Just as quickly the good memories appeared, they just as quickly disappeared. They were immediately replaced by all the bad memories, all the guilt and anguish she was forced to carry for others. To carry the burden of her people. She remembered what it was like to wake up a dismembered head. She remembered all the innocent lives she had taken during the war. She remembered how she sent the people she cared for to battle.

She leaned back in the tub, her hair floating in the water as her eyes stung from the tears accumulating. She squeezed her eyes closed as the tears silently traveled from her face to the bathwater. She slowly pushed herself lower and lower in the water as the vivid memories came flooding into her mind. She remembered how she had to take a child’s life because of their parent’s decision. A 10-year-old child that still had a full life ahead of him that was cut short because of its own parents. She remembered how the child begged for mercy. How it pleaded to be forgiven, to be put to use instead of being killed.

Lexa could do no such thing although her heart was aching for the child. He deserved to live, to fall in love, to get heartbroken, to find someone else, have children with them, and die at an old age. But Lexa could do no such thing, blood must have blood. That was the way of her people. So she did what her people saw her fit to do, take yet another life. The boy was tied to a pole for everyone to see as Lexa withdrew her sword from its sheath. She alined her sword against the boy’s chest hovering just above where he’s palpitating heart should be.

 _“Yu gonplei ste odon”_ she hauntedly remembered saying right before plunging the knife into the boy’s chest. She held the sword there as she watched with a stoic face the black blood spill through his lips. She watched him gasp for air, afraid of what was to come next, afraid of the darkness that was to follow. She slowly pulled the knife back out as she trained her eyes on the boys'. With every inch of her sword that she pulled out, another light turned off in his eyes. He’s breathing became shorter and shallow as he fought to stay alive but there was no hope. She watched until there was no more sword to pull out, no more illuminating lights in his eyes. 

She pushed herself low enough to where her ears were underwater, her eyes teetering on the edge of being submerged, her lips and nose hovering just above the water. She then had another lucid memory, one much more painful than that one. She remembered how she fell asleep one summer night after having the absolute perfect outing with Costia.

She took the gal to a picnic in a secluded meadow that no one knew of. They ate fresh berries and dried meat as they conversed about anything and everything. They sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the sunset against the forest surrounding them. Once the sun had tucked in for the night, the stars became clearer to see. Both of them laid down, their hands brushing slightly as they did, and watched the stars together. They thought of the different connections, meanings that the stars could possibly have. They pointed at the stars, their shoulders bumping slightly causing them both to blush. Somehow Lexa’s hand found Costia’s, both of their hearts fluttering at the simple gesture.

She remembered walking Costia back to her family’s cottage. She remembered how she leaned in to kiss her cheek but was instead met by her lips, this wasn’t the first time but Lexa most definitely didn’t mind it. She remembered how Costia didn’t allow their lips to linger together. She remembered how Costia gave her a wide smile before heading inside her own home. She remembered how she walked back to her tower with a grin on her face.

She could never forget how happy she was at that moment. She could never forget how she thought she loved Costia. She also could never forget how the first thing she saw when she woke up, that same week, to Costia’s head placed on the pillow beside hers. She could never forget the way she jumped out of her bed as she saw all the blood. How she saw the head of her lover lying beside her’s and the smell.

Oh, the smell.

That smell, to this day, is still embedded into her mind. The smell of Costia mixed with the smell of rotting flesh. After taking in her surroundings, she ran into the bathroom as she had the decency to puke in her sink instead of the floor. She allowed the tears to roll down her face as she continued to vomit. She eventually gathered herself together and put on her stoic mask, she couldn’t grieve. Not now, not when this had to be taken care of. Azgeda had to be taken care of.

Her head was completely submerged underwater now as Lexa held her breath. All the horrible things she had ever done, came back to haunt her at that moment. She held her breath as she held onto the sides of the tub, her lungs begging for oxygen, her head fighting to stay afloat. _It should have been me_ she managed to think although she was oxygen-deprived. She didn’t allow herself to fight against it, instead, she laid still underneath the water. She didn’t know how much time she had been underwater, all she knew was that death was coming soon. She felt lightheaded, her vision becoming darker and darker as the seconds passed by.

 _“NO LEXA!”_ she heard a muffled voice scream. She tried opening her eyes to find the source of the voice, but it was useless. She was too tired and she didn’t have the energy to fight. She didn’t want to fight.

 _“LEXIE PLEASE, FIGHT!”_ She shook her head as she kept hearing the voice over and over again. _Lexie._ There was only one person that called her that. Costia.

She used the remaining of her strength to hold onto the side of the tub, she tried pushing herself up but she felt the weight of the world against her. _“That’s it, Lexie! Keep going!”_ she was being told, less muffled than before as the voice was giving her more energy to fight. She managed to throw one arm over the side of the tub and she used the leverage to throw her other arm over the edge.

 _“Come on!! You’re almost there!”_ she heard Costia say. _I’m so tired_ she thought as her hands clawed the side of the tub. “ _NO! Don’t you dare give up on me!_ ” a Costia echo through her voice. And with that, she didn’t. She managed to pull her head from under the water and to the edge of the tub. That’s when her jury came to another verdict; the worst punishment isn’t a painful death. It’s living with the guilt, it’s being happy and then being painfully reminded that she doesn’t deserve it. Being painfully reminded that so many innocent lives deserve her happiness and her life.

“Lexa…” Costia said breaking through the girl’s traumatic haze. Lexa’s eyes came into focus once more, she realized that Costia was much closer than before. She was sitting in the meadow once more, her knees to her chest, as she recalled the times she almost committed suicide. Her green eyes met Costia’s honey brown eyes, haunting her at that very moment.

That’s when it sank in. She died. _Clarke…_

“Clarke,” she breathed out as she pushed her knees away from her chest. “I need to find Klark,” she said as she tried jumped to her feet. She felt a burning pain as she tried getting up as quickly as possible.

“No Lexa,” Costia said trying to get up just as quickly as Lexa. The latter ignored her continuing to rise to her feet. She started to search frantically around, looking for the secret entrance of the meadow. “Lexa, listen to me,” Costia tried reasoning with the woman that was turning and shifting every second.

“Lexa!” Costia yelled, her last attempt on getting Lexa’s attention. Costia never one to raise her voice, stopped Lexa in her tracks. She stilled in her motions and turned to look at the honey eyes she once knew.

“She is well protected,” Costia said just loud enough for both of them to hear. Lexa shook her head as she remembered just exactly how she died, just how fragile the coalition was.

“You do not know that,” Lexa whispered before turning her back on her former lover. She felt her arm being held back, stopping her from sprinting out of the meadow. She looked back to find Costia holding onto her with both hands.

She looked hard into Costia’s eyes, her green piercing into her brown with rage. “I am going after Klark, Costia, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.” Lexa out in a low voice, almost threatening.

Costia stared at her in shock, Lexa never _ever_ used that tone on her. It completely caught her off guard, she tightened her grip on her forearm in an attempt to stop her from running off. She had also never seen those green eyes so dark, filled with anger and sadness all at once.

“Lexa you need to listen to me,” Costia tried reasoning with Lexa. “I know you just want to protect Clarke, trust me, that's all I’ve seen you do these past few weeks,” Costia said with a steady voice. Lexa’s stoic mask immediately softened at what Costia spoke. She began to think about how her former lover must’ve felt watching her fall helplessly in love with Clarke. “You do not know this place as I do, and I am telling you right now that she is safe.” Costia began to say once more.

“Costia, listen-” Lexa began to say before getting interrupted by the other woman.

“No, you listen to me Lexa. Clarke is fine, if you keep it up at this pace, you’ll never see that girl ever again,” Costia said in a calm yet affirmative voice. Lexa quickly furrowed her eyebrows as she tried to decipher what the latter was saying. Lexa stared blankly at her almost as if waiting for an opportunity to escape her hands.

“Close your eyes,” Costia told Lexa. She looked at her with indecisiveness, not knowing exactly where this was going. “Lexie, do you still trust me?” Costia asked, her voice breaking just slightly towards the end. Lexa’s mask cracked even more at the question directed at her.

“What are you implying Costia?” Lexa said with a bit of sadness laced in her voice. She looked into the honey brown eyes, being able to read it like the back of her hand. She saw pain, grief, and a hint of jealousy.

“Lexa, just answer the question.”

“Of course I do,” Lexa whispered as she saw the dark eyes search for sincerity within hers. That’s all those dark eyes saw as Lexa allowed her stoic mask fall.

“Close your eyes,” she said, hoping that for once that day she would listen to her without fighting.

Lexa did as she was told, she closed her sage green eyes finding darkness that terrified her. She awaited her next instructions unpleasantly as she remembered what it was like to fall asleep and never wake back up.

“Think of Clarke,” Costia said her voice wavering just slightly. There was an unspoken awkwardness that filled the air very quickly with just the name of Clarke. “Think of memories you have of her,” Lexa did as she was told, she browsed through the memories she had with Clarke. “Now focus on one with her,” she whispered with sadness in her voice. She knew which memory Lexa would choose, she had that same memory with Lexa just in a different time and a different circumstance.

Lexa focused on few intimate memories she had with Clarke. She thought of how she held onto her and pulled her impossibly closer as if her life depended on it. She thought about how Clarke made her happy in ways no one could. How she stayed awake and watched Clarke sleep because she truly didn’t know when she would see her again. If she would see her again. So she soaked up every detail, no matter the smallest, to cherish, to remember in a time of loneliness.

She remembered how she spoke the words that weighed down on her chest to a sleeping Clarke.

She remembered how she tried many times saying it but the words just wouldn't come out.

She remembered how she whispered them in between quiet sobs.

She remembered telling her how much she loved her.

She remembered saying I love you,

saying ai hod yu in.

Slowly the memory disappeared from Lexa’s mind and was replaced with a new one. Clarke riding on a horse, with the flame in her safekeeping. She was wearing some of her grounder clothes which made Lexa internally happy. She watched her as she pulled out the flame and open it.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke said with such sorrow and grief in her voice. Lexa knew what she meant by that. She meant I’m sorry for not being able to save you, I’m sorry you’re not here right now, I’m sorry the coalition doesn’t exist anymore, I’m sorry the Nightbloods died. This saddened Lexa, she did not want Clarke to partake in this cruel world.

“See? Perfectly safe,” Costia said in regards to Clarke. Lexa opened her moistened eyes, laced with sadness and loss. She did not dare to wear her stoic mask as Costia could decipher it in a matter of seconds.

“Safe? She is returning to the place she once called her home. Her people hate her for trusting me once again after I broke her trust. You call that safe?” Lexa said in a monotonous voice, not allowing any emotion to come to her voice.

“She is safer with her own people than ours and you know it, Lexa,” Costia said in the same calm voice from before. It unnerved Lexa as she couldn’t fathom what the latter was thinking of the whole situation.

“ **Our** people Costia,” Lexa reminded her in an impassive voice, not surprising Costia at all with the correction. Although Costia would never tell Lexa, it struck a chord within her.

“Right, who could forget that you swore fealty to a sky person, after all, I thought Heda did not bow to anyone,” Costia said sarcastically before looking into the green eyes she loved.

“Costia,” Lexa began as she felt in the wrong with the woman. “We have much to discuss, let’s not be uncivil about it.” Lexa began to reason with the woman in front of her. She wished that she could work things out with her without any rising problems between the two.

“I know,” Costia said before walking out of the meadow leaving Lexa alone.

***

Later on in the evening, the two girls found themselves sitting around a fire eating dinner in silence. Neither woman wanted to break the peaceful silence that was between the two. Every once and a while Lexa checked upon Clarke making sure she was safe wherever she was.

“She is well Lexa,” Costia said as she looked at a couple of people near them. Lexa glanced over at her waiting patiently for more information. “You will know when she is not,” She said before she bit off a piece of dry meat.

“How do you know of this?” Lexa asked quietly before looking straight ahead of her.

“Because I felt the bullet when it hit you, I felt it as if it had hit me instead,” Costia said with pain in her voice. “Although that was not the case considering you are here.”

“What if I do not?” Lexa questioned, not fully trusting everything around her as well as the place.

“You will, when you are here you feel what the person you love feels,” Costia explained in a gentle voice. “What is different about her Leska?” Costia asked as she finally looked over at the former commander.

“She was special,” Lexa said before pausing to think. “There was always something there, a connection. We both disregarded it considering we both had to lead our own people. Everything changed when her people became my people,” Lexa let out softly as she stared straight ahead. “Suddenly there was no possible way to deny how there was something there. Something so persistent and inevitable.” Lexa continued to say as she stared off into an abyss.

“Lexa?” a voice said from behind both women. Lexa immediately turned at the sound of the voice knowing exactly who it was.


End file.
